


Who Wants To Live Forever

by fillorianravenclaw



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (sort of), Angst, Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, F/M, Falling In Love, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Getting Together, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders' Era, Slow Burn, Werewolves, very slow burn, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-04-07 20:17:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19092373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fillorianravenclaw/pseuds/fillorianravenclaw
Summary: "Who wants to live forever, anyway?" Sirius murmured, a wide grin splitting his face."Exactly, forever is our today, right?""Forever is our today." Peter nodded solemnly, echoing James.Remus snorted, rolling his eyes, but still unable to stop the content warmth that settled in his chest as he dropped his head back onto the grass, wrapping an arm around James' shoulder beside him. "I should never have let you guys get drunk and listen to my Queen records on repeat."- WORK IN PROGRESS -





	1. how it began (first year)

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: this is gonna be a super long fanfic ya'll, outlining the whole of the Marauders time at Hogwarts and after. I'll try and update as frequently as possible
> 
> Also: this is my first wolfstar fanfiction so please bare with me! It'll start off pretty slowly but it really gets going by the end of third year :)

"Make some friends, Rem, and don't forget to write home everyday," Hope murmured, enveloping Remus in yet _another_ soft, protective hug.

Remus laughed quietly, "Of course, mum.."

"Everyday?"

 "Everyday." He promised, feeling his stomach squirm in anticipation and nervousness. The buzz of the train station only emphasized his excitement, along with the excited squeals of students getting on the Hogwart's Express for the first time and the shouts of farewell.

 "You'll be ok, won't you? What with...," She trailed off, one hand gesturing vaguely, but she didn't need to say it for him to understand. Her soft brown eyes creased anxiously at the corners and her lips pressed together in a line of worry.

 "I'll be fine." Only hours earlier it had been her reassuring Remus that he'd be ok. Now it was his turn. "Professor McGonagall already spoke to you about it, mum, it'll be ok. Now, I _really_ need to get on the train."

 She gave him a smile but he could still see the worry in her eyes. "I'll miss you, Rem, have fun." He was pulled into one last hug before she stepped back, giving him a small wave goodbye. He couldn't help but think that she looked out of place there, stood in her muggle clothes amidst a whirl of colourful robes. Hopefully he wouldn't look the same when he got to Hogwarts.

 "Bye, mum!" He turned and made his way quickly onto the awaiting train, trying not to think about making friends or full moons or overbearing professors. 

The train was small and cosy when he got on and the atmosphere buzzing with excitement; Remus couldn't help the small smile that spread across his face. He found an empty compartment quickly and settled down, pulling _Hogwarts: A History_ out of his luggage and opening it up for possibly the tenth time that week. He found he couldn't focus on the book, though, as worries and doubts clouded his mind as the train pulled away.

Professor McGonagall had visited their small cottage earlier during the summer holidays to go over what would happen every full moon and how his problem would be dealt with. She had seemed like a stern woman, but underneath it all Remus could tell that she was kind and did not care in the slightest that one of her new students was a werewolf. He'd been informed that he would spend the full moon in a small building away from the school grounds that was apparently protected by some sort of tree - Remus was a little skeptical about this to say the least. Despite McGonagall's constant reassurances that he'd be safe - or more importantly the other students would be - Remus couldn't help but worry. How was he supposed to make friends when he would have to lie to them each month about where he was going? How was he supposed to just go back to classes the next day as if nothing had happened? His body was already littered with scars, what would his dorm mates think if they saw them? Surely somebody would notice and connect the dots?

Remus was startled out of his thoughts when the door flew open and two people stumbled in, chattering excitedly.

"Oh- Sorry, I didn't realise there was someone in here," The small ginger girl smiled and gave him a little wave. Her hair was pulled back into a plait with strands falling free to frame her unusually green eyes. Remus blinked, fiddling with the hem of his jumper nervously - he’d never been very good at meeting new people.

 "I'm Lily," She continued with a small smile, "And this is Sev," She motioned to the boy beside her with pale skin and shoulder-length black hair who had his eyes narrowly fixed on Remus. "D'you mind if we sit in here? Can't find a carriage that's empty."

 "Oh- Yeah, sure, that's fine," Remus nodded giving her a small smile in return. "I'm Remus by the way." He added tentatively.

 She grinned as she settled on the seat across from him, flicking her hair over one shoulder and motioning for the other boy to sit down as well. "First year?"

 Remus nodded glancing at the boy who had yet to contribute to the conversation. He sat stiffly and was still watching Remus with narrow, wary eyes.

 "Me too! And Sev, of course, I can't wait. What house do you think you'll be in?" Her excitement was practically contagious and Remus set his book down, realising that he wouldn't be getting a chance to read on this train journey.

 "Oh- um, well my father was a Gryffindor, but I'm not too sure to be honest," He told her, thinking about the stories his dad had used to tell him about Hogwarts and being a Gryffindor.

 He saw the dark haired boy - Sev, Lily had called him - sit up a little straighter at this. "Your father's a wizard, then?" He asked in a curious tone.

 "Well, uh.. yes, he was."

 "Severus.." Lily muttered quietly under her breath. The other boy said nothing but nodded quietly and turned to look out the window. Lily turned back to him with sympathetic eyes. "Was? What happened to him?"

 Remus stiffened, panicking slightly, unsure what to say. "Sorry, sorry, that was rude of me. I shouldn't have asked." She grimaced slightly and Remus felt himself relax.

 "It's fine.."

 "My parents are muggles," Lily offered after a few minutes, "My sister was completely outraged when she found out, wouldn’t come near me for weeks!"

 Remus laughed softly, "I can imagine.. My mum's a muggle too and sometimes I think she wishes she'd got a letter to Hogwarts as well."

 Lily laughed and the conversation continued happily. The journey to Hogwarts was more fun than Remus had originally expected it to be - mainly because it was broken up by Lily's excitable chatter and conversations about what Hogwarts would be like - but Remus found his worries slowly fade away as they neared Hogsmeade. Every now and then Severus would attempt to join in their conversations with a dry comment or to correct something one of them had said but otherwise he stayed silent and Remus couldn't help but wonder what Lily was doing with him.

 His nerves came rushing back in full when they got off the train at Hogsmeade and were met by a giant - or at least he _assumed_ the man was a giant because of the way he towered above them all. However, when Remus voiced this to Lily, Severus shook his head and wrinkled his nose in disgust and informed them that it was actually a _half_ -giant and then proceeded to mutter under his breath about 'disgusting halfbreeds' etc. Remus bit his lip nervously, digging his fingernails into his palms and trying to ignore the other boy’s biting comments.

 His worries soon disappeared yet again however when they were lead into small boats to get across the lake. The three of them were joined by two girls giggling and muttering under their breath about Giant Squids and Merpeople which Remus did his very best to ignore because he most definitely didn't need to think about _that_ while also thinking about how best not to drown.

Once they had crossed the lake, they were lead up to the castle and inside into an entrance hall. Remus couldn't even concentrate on what Professor McGonagall was saying because he was too busy trying not to gape too obviously at his surroundings. Apparently he wasn't the only one, because every now and then Lily would gasp and nudge him with her elbow to point excitedly at something. 

The doors to the Great Hall opened ceremoniously and Remus couldn't _help_ but gape at his surroundings now. His father had used to tell him stories about the Great Hall and the floating candles and charmed ceiling when he was growing up but he'd never _really_ believed him. There were soft murmurings all around the Hall as the first years made their way to the front and gathered in a small gaggle in front of the hat stool.

"Now then," Professor McGonagall started, "When I call your name you will come forth, put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted."

"Anderson, Jessica" was called up first. Remus watched intently as the hat was set on her head, there was a short pause before it shouted: "Ravenclaw!"

A cheer went up from one of the long tables and the girl hurried off to join her new housemates.

"Black, Sirius" was called next. A strange humming sense of anticipation and fate filled the air as a boy stepped up looking proud and confident, with shoulder-length, dark brown hair and startling blue-grey eyes. There was a cheer from a different table before the hat had even been placed on the boy's head.

A moment of silence and then: "Gryffindor!"

This was followed by silence. The boy - Sirius - looked around with frantic eyes, looking up to McGonagall who had both eyebrows raised at him and a small smile on her lips.

"Traitor!" Someone called out from the table that had previously cheered.

"I thought they said he was a Black?" Someone else muttered.

Sirius looked panicked, yanking the hat off his head and practically running to the Gryffindor table without a single glance back. A boy to his left with messy brown hair and round glasses started to clap and soon the rest of the hall joined in - only lacking one table in their congratulations. Remus decided that there was no need to be nervous, because at least it wouldn't go as badly as that.

"Evans, Lily," McGonagall called not soon after.

"Gryffindor!" The hat shouted again and a cheer went up from the Gryffindor table. Lily grinned and ran over to join Sirius.

When it reached his name, Remus made his way up to the stool on trembling legs, secretly hoping that he'd be placed in Gryffindor. Technically, he knew he couldn't be put in Gryffindor - he was definitely not brave - however, he also knew that he wasn't going to be placed in Ravenclaw or Slytherin because he wasn't particularly smart or cunning either. Hufflepuff was looking most likely.

He felt the heavy weight of the hat as it was placed on his head before everything went dark.

"Hmm.." A small voice muttered in his ear. "Interesting...You'd do well in Ravenclaw, no doubt about that... but I can see loyalty and some courage, too."

"Better be… GRYFFINDOR!"

Remus blinked in surprise but didn't have time to think about this as the hat was pulled off his head and he headed over to the Gryffindor table to join Lily and Sirius. Lily grinned at him as he sat down next to her and across from Sirius. Gryffindor? Him? He was anything but brave or courageous… Gryffindor was the house for heroes and saviours not dark, unnatural beasts.

By the end of the sorting they had been joined by two boys - James Potter and Peter Pettigrew - and three girls - Marlene Mckinnon, Mary MacDonald and Dorcas Meadowes. James was muttering quietly under his breath to a very pale looking Sirius and Lily was talking excitedly to the other three girls. Severus had been sorted into Slytherin, much to Lily's dismay, but Remus couldn't help but think that he looked right at home there.

The food appeared quickly after and Remus found himself caught up in a conversation with Lily, James and Sirius about whether or not Slytherins were evil.

"Evil. Pure evil. Every inch of them." Sirius muttered, looking down at his empty plate.

"Exactly," James nodded eagerly. "And I think he would know, after all he's been surrounded by them up until now. I don't know how you survived, mate." He added under his breath.

"Well, I think you're both biased!" Lily said. "You've obviously just never met a nice one!"

"Maybe that's because there aren't any nice ones to meet," Remus muttered under his breath. His opinion of Slytherins was rapidly declining after the few he'd met.

"Ha! Exactly!" James grinned at Remus and he even saw a small smile on Sirius's face.

"Remus!" Lily frowned at him, her face a mixture of hurt and disbelief.

"Look, I'm sorry, they just haven't come off as very nice towards me," He raised his hands as an apology.

"Especially that greasy black-haired one! What was his name? Snape?" James laughed, smirking. This conversation route definitely seemed to be cheering Sirius up because there was a faint look of amusement on his face.

Lily huffed, directing a glare at the three of them and then turned away from them to join in another conversation and Remus found himself wondering yet again what it was that Lily liked about Snape.

"I can't believe I'm a Gryffindor!" The smaller boy called Peter squeaked for about the tenth time since the feast had begun.

"I'm not surprised I am." James said with a proud smirk. Remus did not doubt that for a second because somehow James Potter seemed to be the literal embodiment of Gryffindor.

"Were your parents in Gryffindor?” Remus asked quietly unable to keep his curiosity at bay.

James turned to him with a contagious grin. “Yep! Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, both in Gryffindor” He declared proudly.

“Wait a second, Fleamont Potter?” Sirius asked, lifting his head from the table with a small awed smile on his face. “As in _the_ Fleamont Potter? The one and only?”

“Quite right,” James grinned back.

“Merlin..” Sirius breathed.

Remus shared a small look with Peter that confirmed that the other boy also had no idea what they were on about. Remus frowned and ducked his head, not wanting to ask and seem stupid. Luckily Peter did it for him.

“Umm… Who?

“ _Who?!”_ James gasped, pressing one hand to his chest and turning to look at Sirius, eyes dancing with mischief.

“How _dare_ you?” Sirius tutted, shaking his head. “‘Who?’ You ask? Only the greatest, most renowned wizard to have _ever_ lived.”

James raised his eyebrows in disbelief but joined in with a grin. “Oh _yes_ , I can definitely say that his creation has saved my life on multiple occasions.” One hand drifted up to his hair which he ruffled, making Sirius burst into laughter. Remus decided that both Potter and Black were going to be _insufferable._

Peter flushed slightly and looked down at his plate. “Uh.. Sorry?”

Remus rolled his eyes and directed a sharp glare at the two boys.

“What?”

Remus jerked his head discreetly at the upset-looking Peter. James immediately softened, Sirius, however, did not.

“Hey, mate, it’s fine, we were just joking around.” James told Peter, who brightened up immediately. “My dad developed Sleakeazy’s hair potion, that’s all.” He shrugged and then turned back to Sirius who was still grinning mischievously.

“My saviour!” Sirius shook his head solemnly.

“All of ours.” James nodded one hand still pressed dramatically to his chest.

 _How the bloody hell am I supposed to survive 7 years of_ **_them,_ ** Remus couldn’t help but think as he rolled his eyes and turned away from them to focus on his food.

***

Later, the group of first year Gryffindors trailed sleepily up to the Gryffindor tower and into the common room. The sense of warmth and comfort was overwhelming when Remus stepped tentatively into the common room behind Peter.

A fire crackled quietly in the centre of one wall and cosy, red armchairs and sofas were clustered together in groups. Remus was content to see a small, rickety bookcase stood in one corner. He could imagine spending icy winter evenings huddled up in here with a book and a mug of tea.

“Boys dormitories upstairs and down to the left, girls, the same on your right.” The prefect told them.

The dormitories, he found, were just as welcoming and cosy as the common room. Finding that he was to be sharing a room with both Sirius and James for the next seven years was a less pleasant surprise. This and the fact that the dormitories were incredibly _small._ Remus valued privacy and space a lot and learning that most of his time at Hogwarts would be spent about a metre away from James Potter did not put him in a great mood.

“This is great!” Sirius exclaimed, taking the bed next to James, leaving Peter with the one opposite Remus’. All earlier worries about being in Gryffindor seem to have been forgotten.

Remus exhaled and sat down on the edge of his bed, bones aching from the long day and the nearness of the full moon. _Only three days,_ his mind supplied unhelpfully, also supplying Remus with an infinite number of worries and queries about what could possibly go wrong.

He watched as Sirius climbed onto James’s bed, a game of exploding snap in one hand and a grin on his face. Remus only wished he had the capability of making friends that fast. He took the distraction, however, as a chance to go and get changed in the bathroom so his dorm mates wouldn’t notice the scars that littered his body.

Even after so many years, Remus couldn’t help but be horrified by the sight of his chest as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Large claw marks trailed down his side and across his stomach, crisscrossing and interweaving in dangerous looking patterns. Barely an inch of his skin was unmarked. Remus hated it.

Sighing sadly, he yanked on his pyjama top and made his way back into the room. The conversation went quiet when he walked in. Sirius and James were sat together on James’ bed, eyes wide and staring at him. Peter was sat on his own bed, also staring. Remus could only assume they’d been talking about him.

He continued over to his bed but was stopped when Sirius called out.

“Hey, Lupin?”

“Mm?” Remus grunted in return, not turning back to face him.

“What’s with all the scars?”Remus looked down, belatedly remembering his pyjama top had short sleeves and still showed the scars on his arms.

It didn’t really sound like the other boy had meant it particularly harshly but Remus couldn’t help but take it in that way. He spun around, scowl set firmly in place so that Sirius couldn’t see what impact the comment had actually made.

“Is that any of your business, Black?” He replied coldly.

Sirius looked taken aback at this reaction. _How did you think I was gonna react you bloody idiot?_

“Well, I guess not, but I was only wondering.” Sirius answered, Remus’ icy tone reflected in his.

Remus clenched his fists, forcing himself not to make a biting remark and turned his back on them. He climbed into bed and drew the curtains around it without another word.

“You can’t say that kind of stuff to people!” He heard James hiss quietly.

“Well how was I supposed to know he was going to overreact like that?” Sirius voice replied, defensive. Remus didn’t quite catch the rest of what James said because his voice dropped to a low whisper.

Remus decided that overall his first day hadn’t been as bad as he’d thought it was going to be. Peter seemed sweet, if a bit oblivious, while Lily had seemed kind and friendly. James didn’t even seem like he was that bad once you got past the arrogance. Remus knew one thing for certain though: he _really_  did not like Sirius Black.


	2. the beginning of everything (first year)

Remus’ first full day at Hogwarts was terrible. But, if in the future he looked back on it, it would certainly be the day that marked the beginning of everything.

He blinked awake after only a few hours of sleep to a dull ache in his bones and someone shouting on his right-hand side.

“Wake up, Black! Rise and Shine!”

Remus reluctantly rolled over and pushed open the curtain to see a surprisingly wide-awake James Potter attacking Sirius Black with a large pillow and yelling in his ear.

“Wake up!”

There was a muffled groan from the sleeping form but no movement. Remus glanced over at Peter who was sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his eyes sleepily and yawning.

“What the hell..?” Remus muttered quietly.

James spun around, pillow still in hand and trade-mark, wide grin set on his face. “Ah, you’re awake.”

“Yes, I wonder why.”

“Now, don’t be like that Lupin, I would’ve woken you first but it seems as if Sirius needs a lot of… encouragement in the mornings.”

“And I’m sure he’s getting that from having a pillow repeatedly thumped round his face.”

James laughed, pushing his glasses up his nose and shaking his unruly hair. “I just wanted to make sure we’re all on time to classes.” He said innocently, but there was still a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Right. I’m going to get changed.” He said, and left to go to the bathroom without another comment.

“Good, and then we’re all going down to the main hall for breakfast together!” He heard James shout after him.

“Of course we are.” Remus muttered under his breath, because apparently that was how things worked around here: anything James says goes. But Remus couldn't help the happiness he felt at being included in this.

Just ten minutes later, the four boys were traipsing down to the main hall. James and a half-asleep looking Sirius in front and Peter and Remus trailing warily behind.

The group settled at the table sleepily and Remus hungrily dug in to the toast in front of him; he was always so much hungrier closer to the full moon.

“Hmm, looks like we’ve got Potions first with Professor Slughorn, and then flying classes with Madam Hooch after,” He heard James mutter, looking down at his timetable. “Not like I need flying lessons, though, I was born a natural.”

“You were born an arrogant prat more like,” Lily Evans spoke up from where she was sitting slightly further down the table.

James only grinned at her, ruffling his hair slightly and said, “Ah yes, it’s one of my best traits.”

Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head, shooting a quick glance at Lily with sympathetic eyes. “D’you think we’ll be allowed to play Quidditch this year?” Sirius spoke up for the first time that morning.

“Well, obviously, they couldn’t just ignore my raw talent, now, could they?”

“Of course not, Potter. I’ve yet to see this ‘raw talent’, however.”

“Oh you’ll see it all right, when we get onto the pitch I’ll be unstoppable.” James grinned widely, as if imagining himself playing Quidditch.

“What about you, Lupin, Pettigrew? You ever flown?” James asked after a minute, turning to them.

“Yes, once, and it was the most horrifying experience of my life.” _Not to mention the fact that I don’t need any_ **_more_ ** _broken bones on top of the ones I get on a full moon,_ Remus thought regretfully.

“Aww, come on it’s really not that bad!”

Remus raised his eyebrows disbelievingly and shook his head. How anyone would willingly endanger themselves on a flying object that you could hardly control Remus had no idea.

“What about you?” James asked Peter.

The smaller boy looked taken aback at being included in the conversation. “Oh yeah, I’ve flown a few times, I’m not all that good at it though - prefer to watch from in the stands.”

“Good.” Sirius smirked.

“Why’s that good?” The question had already left Remus' mouth defensively before he realised that he really didn’t want to start an argument with Black.

The boy narrowed his eyes, picking up on Remus’ tone, “Less competition, obviously.”

“Obviously.” Remus muttered.

“Well, you see, Lupin-” But Sirius froze midway through the sentence, face going pale, looking up at where the owls were swooping in to the main hall.

“I see what?” Remus pressed.

Sirius muttered something under his breath.

“What?” James asked curiously.

A dark, proud owl landed in front of Sirius, a letter attached to one leg. It looked important.

“What’s that?” James asked, leaning over his shoulder as Sirius untied the letter from the bird.

“What does it look like?” Sirius snapped harshly, snatching his letter from James’ keen eyes. But Remus knew that look in his eyes, it was a look that he was all too familiar with. It was fear.

He watched as Sirius’ eyes scanned the letter quickly, all the while his face grew paler and paler.

“You alright, mate?” James asked quietly, concerned.

“Fine.” The response was stiff and anybody listening could tell it was a lie. “I’ve just got to-” He broke off, getting up and walking swiftly out of the Hall.

“Can’t miss the first day of classes, remember!” James called after him. “Well that was odd.”

Remus shrugged slightly, realising that truthfully he knew next to nothing about these people. What could anyone have possibly written in that letter to make Sirius react like that?

***

Sirius did not turn up for Potions. Which was a good thing in Remus’ opinion because that would only have succeeded in making the lesson ten times worse.

Their teacher, a large, round man called Professor Slughorn, had sat Remus next to the dark-haired boy who’d been with Lily on the train. He was, Remus decided only two minutes into the lesson, a prat. They were supposed to be brewing a potion that was a cure for boils and Remus had no clue what he was doing.

“Crush these up, would you?” Snape shoved the snake fangs across the table at Remus without looking up from what he was doing. Remus blinked.

“Right… With, er… With what?”

An ugly sneer was plastered onto Snape’s face when he looked up. “‘With what?’ Don’t you know _anything_ about Potions?”

Remus fought to keep his anger down and reply calmly. “No. Funnily enough that’s why I’m here.”

“Well why don’t you look in the Potions book then? Are you deliberately being stupid or something?” Severus asked as if he was explaining something to a two-year old. Remus clenched his fists.

“I _would_ , but you seem to be hogging it.”

James turned around from where he was sat next to Peter in front of them. His eyes narrowed at Snape. “What’s going on?”

“Your friend here seems to be exceptionally stupid. Are you all like that?” Severus replied unkindly.

“No that trait is reserved for greasy, black-haired Slytherins, leave him alone.” James retorted back, turning back to his potion and leaving Remus left wondering why on earth James Potter was defending _him_ and also why he had not corrected the fact that Severus had called him his friend.

Severus’ glare burned into the back of James’ head before he turned back to Remus. “Can’t stand up for yourself, huh?” He sneered nastily.

“I can stand up for myself perfectly fine.” He replied bitterly, glaring at the snake fangs in front of him instead of Snape. He couldn’t let himself get angry. Not now, not when he’d been given this chance at a school he didn’t even deserve to be at, not when the full moon was only days away.

***

“Where're Black and Lestrange?” Madam Hooch demanded as soon as they arrived at their first flying lesson, only to be met with blank looks.

“Right. Their loss.”

She then proceeded to inform them how to mount their broomsticks and fly a few feet in the air. Obviously, James Potter _was_ actually a natural.

“That just makes him all the more insufferable!” Lily hissed under her breath from beside Remus.

“Agreed.” He muttered, watching as James did a backflip in the air to the complete chagrin of Madam Hooch.

“Mr Potter! It’ll be your own fault when you fall and break your neck!”

“Now, that won’t be happening Professor,” He grinned at her with one of his winning smiles. “I’m practically a professional.”

Remus heard Lily’s heavy sigh from his right and turned to her, a wry smile on his face. “At least you don’t have to share a dorm with him.” He joked lightly.

Lily raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I don’t, but I do have to share one with Mary bloody Macdonald!”

Remus glanced over at the stocky girl who was instructing a terrified looking Peter rather loudly on how to get on his broomstick. “That ain’t a’ ya bleedin’ do it!” She was yelling. “Nah, it ain’t like tha’ either! Bloody hell, no, na you’ve got it the wrong way round!”

Remus chuckled, “Right, yes, I suppose she does seem rather boisterous.”

“Half the time I can hardly even understand her, she’s got such a strong cockney accent.”

Remus grinned, “Ah, yes, that must get annoying after a while.”

“Annoying? Last night she told me that James and Sirius were ‘jus’ lookin’ fer Barney Rubble’ - I had no idea what she was on about!”

Remus burst out laughing at Lily’s attempted impression of Mary’s cockney accent, surprising himself. Lily joined in after a second, obviously realising just how mad she sounded. A light, happy sort of hope settled in Remus’ chest at the prospect that he and Lily would probably make pretty good friends.

“What’s so funny?”  A voice came from behind them and Remus and Lily spun around to see Sirius sauntering arrogantly up to the group, his look complete with a black eye and a split lip.

“Nothing. Been getting into fights already, Black?”

“Well, he deserved it.”

“Of course he did, I suppose you think anyone who’s beneath you in social status ‘deserves it’. And let’s be honest, that’s probably everyone in your opinion.” Remus couldn’t quite pinpoint what exactly it was that irritated him so much about Sirius, possibly his air of arrogance, or the way he sauntered around the castle like he owned it; he didn’t know. He just knew that he couldn’t help but argue back.

This comment seemed to have some kind of impact on Sirius as he stepped closer to Remus, eyes narrowed. “You know _nothing_ about me, Lupin. Nothing.” He spat, shoving past Lily and Remus to join James.

“Well, you may have to share a dorm with Mary Macdonald but I have to share a dorm with _two_ arrogant dickheads.” He said to Lily after a moment.

“To be fair, you sort of provoked that.” She told him skeptically.

“I know..,” Remus sighed slightly, “He just pisses me off so much, I can’t help but argue with him.”

“That’s no excuse Remus.”

“I know,” He muttered. “Anyway, back to the subject of your delightful roommates?”

Lily raised her eyebrows at the subject change but didn’t comment. “Right. Well, they’re not all that bad, I’m also sharing with Marlene, Dorcas and Evelyn. Dorcas has a cat.” Lily said as if that made everything better.

“Right.”

Lily frowned. “Don’t tell me you don’t like cats.”

“Hmm, well it’s less me not liking cats, and more cats not liking _me_.”

“I’m certain that’s not true, Leonard likes everyone.”

“Leonard?” Remus snorted.

“Yes, well, I get the feeling Dorcas isn’t the most creative person.”

Remus laughed and it was worth it when Madam Hooch shouted at them for not paying attention; Remus felt there was a slight possibility that he might be able to fit in here.

***

Hours later, Remus was curled up in an armchair in the common room with a book in one hand, Peter sat next to him, talking quietly to James. Remus was restless and it’d gotten to a point where he couldn’t ignore the pain that was coursing through his body. It was always like this before the full moon but this month felt different; worse.

“What d’you think happened?” Peter was saying quietly.

“Well, I dunno but he seemed pretty upset after getting that letter this morning,” James said, frowning. _Ah, they’re talking about Black._

“But how come he got into a fight though? Did you see Lestrange as well, he looked even worse.”

“I don’t bloody know do I,” James said, exasperation clear in his tone. Peter flinched back slightly.

“And technically it’s not really any of your business, is it?” Remus added, surprising himself by joining in the conversation.

“True,” James nodded, watching Remus curiously, as if trying to figure him out.

“Sorry, I was just curious.” Peter murmured.

“S’fine, mate.”

Peter smiled slightly, looking happier after being called James Potter’s ‘mate’. “My dad says, I’m too curious for my own good.”

“Ha, your dad’s probably right.”

“He always is.” Peter said, and there was a hint of pride and admiration in his tone that made Remus’ heart clench painfully. _They’re not always right about everything,_ he couldn’t help thinking sadly. Slowly, he got to his feet, grimacing in pain as he did so.

“You alright?” James asked, moving forwards from where he was lounging on the sofa.

“Yeah, fine,” He nodded, forcing a smile. “Thanks.” he added as an afterthought.

“No problem.” But there was still a concerned frown on his face as his eyes followed Remus’ slow, stiff journey to the stairs.

Once reaching the dormitory, Remus collapsed on his bed, waves of pain rolling over him. _How the hell am I supposed to go to classes tomorrow?_ He could feel the wolf raging inside of him, trying to get out and wreak havoc. It made him angry and snappish nearer the full moon and he hated it. He hated every part of it, of the wolf, himself - there wasn’t really much difference. He _hated_ it, and he couldn’t bear the thought that he was allowed to be around people when he was like this.

***

Some time in the night, Remus must have managed to fall asleep. But he was restless and his dreams weren’t peaceful.

_The wolf was hungry. Starving._

_It wanted fresh meat and it was right here, right in front of it, laid out like a buffet. The sleeping forms of James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew were all too tempting for it._

_The wolf launched itself forward, jaw turned up in an angry snarl, claws outstretched. Sharp fangs buried themselves in the first boys’ neck, drawing hot blood that made the wolf greedily crave for more. The wolf struck again and again, until all was left was a slumped form on the bed._

_A predatory growl ripped from the wolf’s throat as it moved on to the next victim, mauling the body completely and leaving nothing but a torn and bloodied carcass._

_The last boy was different, the wolf didn’t know why, but as it sprang forwards the boy’s eyes flew open, revealing a startling blue-grey colour. The wolf’s eyes glinted hungrily in the moonlight, jaw opening wide to reveal rows of teeth and hot, drooling saliva. The boy did nothing. Didn’t scream, didn’t move, only with his last breath there was a quiet whisper, something so quiet it was barely distinguishable._

_“I know it’s you, Lupin.” His body went limp._

_And then the wolf was gone, leaving a shaking, broken boy in his place._

_“No.” It was barely a whisper._

_“No!” The scream ripped from his throat as he collapsed forward, tears rolling down his face, hands drenched in blood. “I’m a monster! I’m a monster!”_

_“I killed them, I fucking killed them! I-”_

Remus’ eyes flew open to find Sirius Black leaning over him, one hand firmly on his shoulder. Remus scrambled back desperately, remembering the sight of Sirius’ bloodied form under him. His wild eyes searched the room frantically, looking down at his clean hands, though he could still see the faint tinge of red.

Sirius was looking at him indecipherably, those same blue-grey eyes from his dream searching his face.

“Are you ok, Remus?” Peter asked softly from where he was stood just behind Sirius. Remus glanced over at James’ bed to see that he was still fast asleep.

“Yeah-” His voice came out hoarsely as if he really had been screaming. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. Fine. Did I- Did I say anything?” He was all too aware of the fact that Sirius still had his hand firmly on Remus’ shoulder.

“Well..” Peter trailed off, not meeting Remus’ eyes.

“You were bloody screaming, Lupin, how you expect anyone to get any sleep around here I don’t know.” Sirius said, tone unwavering and just as indecipherable as his expression.

Remus’ eyes widened. “What- What was I screaming about?” He decided he didn’t actually want to know the answer to that.

At this Sirius and Peter both exchanged a look. Sirius withdrew his hand from Remus’ shoulder, leaving Remus feeling oddly isolated.

“You- you said some stuff about, um, about being a monster? And, uh, about how you- you killed someone?” Peter told him uncertainly.

“Right.” Remus choked out, repressing his panic and fear. “Right.” He said again.

Sirius and Peter both stood there for a moment, watching him. “Could you- I need- I mean, can you-”

Peter seemed to understand his desperate pleas at once and nodded. “Of course, good night, Remus.” He said softly, creeping back to his bed and indicating for Sirius to do the same.

The other boy stood there for a moment, eyes fixed steadily on Remus as if trying to work out a particularly hard Arithmancy problem, and then turned silently and climbed back into his bed.

Remus collapsed back against his pillows, breathing heavily. He didn’t get back to sleep after that.


	3. full moon (first year)

Neither Peter nor Sirius mentioned Remus’ nightmare again, not the next day and if, the day after that, they had, Remus was too exhausted to notice. He spent the morning in classes, steering clear of both Sirius and Snape because he was ready to snap out at anyone.

He made his way to Transfiguration for fourth period slowly and painfully, Peter walking beside him. The smaller boy looked like he wanted to ask what was wrong but was biting his tongue and not saying anything.

“-with a reasonably simple transfiguration spell to turn a match into a needle.” Professor McGonagall was telling the class as Remus and Peter arrived. She looked surprised at their presence but quickly hid it.

“Mr Lupin, Mr Pettigrew, nice of you to join us.”

“Oi!” This shout was from the other side of the room from both Sirius and James at once.

“Yes, Mr Potter, Mr Black?” Her tone had a hint of warning in it, but neither of the two boys seemed to notice it.

“We were only five minutes late and you still gave us a detention!” Sirius protested.

“I’m certain it’s just because you want to spend more time with us Professor,” James commented with a cheeky grin, “But surely favouritism shouldn’t be allowed?”

There were a few snickers around the class at this. McGonagall glanced at Remus apologetically. “Regretfully, it appears that you might be correct-”

“Aren’t I always?” McGonagall silenced him with a sharp glare.

“Mr Lupin, Mr Pettigrew, you’ll be joining Mr Potter and Mr Black in detention tomorrow evening.”

 _Great_ , Remus thought, _that’s the day after the full moon._

“You ok, Remus?” Lily asked, turning around in her seat in front of him. Clearly she’d noticed his shakiness and pale skin.

“Yep, fine.” He told her weakly.

“Are you sure?” Peter asked worriedly.

“Absolutely certain.”

“We can take you to the hospital wing if you like?” Lily asked kindly, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Peter nodded enthusiastically.

“No, no, that’s not necessary.” He really did not want to go anywhere near the hospital wing until it was absolutely necessary.

“Mr Lupin,” McGonagall appeared at his shoulder. “What on earth are you doing in lessons?”

Remus heaved a heavy sigh. “Learning?” He tried tiredly. There was a guffaw from James on the other side of the room.

McGonagall’s frown deepened. “Mr Lupin-”

“I’m perfectly fine, Professor.”

“No, Mr Lupin, you’re not.” She said directing a meaningful look at him. Remus clenched his fists under the table, trying desperately to push his anger back down and stop the wolf inside him from lashing out.

“Mr Pettigrew, would you please take Mr Lupin to the hospital wing please?” _No, no don’t do that._ Remus thought bitterly, _People will notice, they’ll realise that I’m not normal, that I’m not like them._

“Yes, of course.” Peter nodded, jumping up and picking up Remus’ bag. Remus sighed and heaved himself out of his seat, staggering slightly as he stood.

“I really don’t need-” He began weakly.

“I don’t want to hear it, Mr Lupin, you’re going to the hospital wing, whether you like it or not.” She told him.

Remus clenched his jaw but nodded stiffly, all too aware that the entire class was watching him. He could feel both Lily and James’ concerned frowns, Sirius’ cold, curious stare and Severus’ ugly sneer all directed at him and he couldn’t stand it.

“Let’s go, Peter,” He hissed under his breath. He wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Peter nodded, offering an arm for Remus to lean on but he refused. If there was one thing Remus hated, especially nearer the full moon, it was physical contact. It only reminded him of how inhuman he was.

“She’s quite strict isn’t she?” Peter offered cautiously once they’d left the classroom.

“Hm?” Remus shook his head slightly, trying to dull the ringing.

“McGonagall, she’s quite strict.”

Remus frowned. “No, I don’t think so.”

“You- You don’t think she’s strict?” Peter asked disbelievingly.

“No, I think she just wants what’s best for her students.”

Peter looked thoughtful for a second and then nodded, moving forward to open the doors to the hospital wing for Remus. “I suppose that’s right.”

“Hm.” Remus nodded. He watched Madam Pomfrey come bustling toward them and he looked down at his shoes nervously.

“My dear boy, you look a fright!” She exclaimed. Remus flinched when she took hold of his shoulders firmly, leading him towards the nearest bed.

“What’s your name?”

“Remus Lupin..” He muttered tiredly.

The Matron’s eyes widened fractionally and she nodded enthusiastically. “Ah, I was wondering why you hadn’t come by sooner.”

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Peter frowning in confusion.

“Thanks, Peter, you can go back now,” Remus told the other boy.

“Ok…” He frowned slightly at Madam Pomfrey. “Are you going to be ok?” He asked, and Remus was surprised to note the amount of concern in his voice.

“Of course he will, off you go!” The Matron shooed Peter out of the Room. “Now, Mr Lupin, I should hope that Professor McGonagall has told you where you’ll be during the full moon.”

“Yes,” Remus nodded weakly, his head pounding with pain the whole while.

“Good. I hardly think it’s right, though.”

Remus froze, preparing himself for the lecture that he knew he’d be receiving on how he shouldn’t be allowed to come here, how he was a danger to other students.

“I’ve seen that building they want you in and it’s freezing, dark and horrible!” She hissed furiously. “It’s just not right! We have plenty of rooms inside the school that would’ve worked just fine and would’ve been a whole lot more welcoming and comfortable!”

Remus blinked in surprise but recovered quickly, “To be fair, Madam Pomfrey, I don’t think the Wolf is going to be all that worried about comfort or warmth.” He offered. He found it easier to talk about it this way, to separate the Wolf from himself and pretend that they were not the same thing, even if he knew deep down that he was just lying to himself to make it easier.

The Matron’s face softened and she gave him a small smile. “I know, dear, I was thinking more for you, once the transformation has finished.”

“Oh.” Was all Remus could manage. Nobody had ever shown that kind of kindness towards him about his transformations, not even his parents. He had known his father had hated them, even if he still loved Remus, and would act like they didn’t happen once a month. His mother, on the other hand, was scared of his transformations, and, consequently, him. She never let it show because she truly loved her son, but Remus could tell in the days approaching the full moon, when he would snap and argue unnecessarily, that she was scared. Remus hated himself for it.

Madam Pomfrey smiled at him again, a sad, pitying smile. “I’ll take you down there in about an hour to make sure you get there.” She told him. “You stay here for now and rest.”

Remus nodded, closing his eyes and thinking about everything but the coming night.

***

It was dark when Madam Pomfrey led him to the whomping willow and then through the tunnel into the small building he’d be kept in. His body was shaking and Remus could feel the dull aching he got right before a transformation.

“I’ll come and collect you in the morning,” The Matron told him, gently setting him down on an old bed that stood in the corner. Remus could only nod weakly. He didn’t even have the strength to lift his head and look around.

It was only a few minutes he had to wait before the real pain set in, but it felt like hours.

It started in his mind, like always, his senses and instincts sharpening, hunger and blood-lust becoming an ever-present thought. Remus cried out in pain as he felt the first bones growing and re-shaping, that horrible, scraping pain that felt like it would never end. He couldn’t scream; he’d wake people and then everybody would know. But he couldn’t help it.

The first scream ripped from his throat as he felt his whole skull reshaping. He screamed and screamed and screamed until it turned into a howl.

***

“Where d’you think he is?” Sirius asked James curiously when they were in the common room.

“He was sick, mate, where d’you think he’s gonna be?”

“I know that, but would the Matron really keep him overnight?”

James shrugged. “Dunno, he didn’t look great though did he?”

Sirius laughed loudly, “I really did think he was just gonna keel over back then in Transfiguration.” He said ‘gonna’ now because he’d realised after only a few seconds on the hogwarts’ express that he sounded like a stuck-up, snobbish prat.

A small frown crossed James’ face. “You two don’t really see eye to eye.” It wasn’t a question it was a statement.

“No.”

“Why?” Sirius had learnt after only five days with James Potter that he was incredibly blunt.

“Well, I don’t hate him. He just seems to have something against me.”

“Can’t imagine what.”

“Oi!” Sirius threw the nearest cushion at him. “Seriously though, I don’t think I’ve actually done anything to majorly piss him off or anything.”

“I don’t know, mate, you are a bit… cold towards him.”

“That’s only because he hates me!”

“Right, right, ok chill.”

“He’s actually a really nice person,” a voice spoke up from behind Sirius.

He and James spun around to see the other boy they were sharing a dorm with. Sirius hated to admit it, but sometimes he forgot the kid existed.

“Nobody said he wasn’t,” James said with a small shrug.

Peter shrunk back a little bit but continued, “I mean I think you guys should try and get to know him a bit better, you’d probably get along.”

James nodded considerably and Sirius couldn’t tell if he was doing it just to accommodate Peter or because he genuinely thought they should.

“Whatever,” Sirius spun back around, flipping his hair over his shoulder. He was surprised when James didn’t do the same and instead said, “Hey, Peter? You wanna join us for a game of exploding snap?”

***

“No, Mr Potter, you are not allowed to see Mr Lupin while he’s here.”

“Oh, but-”

“I said no. It’s your own fault that you’re in here so be quiet and let me fix this horrendous mess. ”

Remus tried to lift his head slightly to see something other than the ceiling but that only sent a sharp, searing pain down his neck. It must’ve been a bad transformation.

“Ma’am with all due respect, it’s actually not my fault that-”

“Mr Potter.” The Matron’s voice was warning. This was followed by a loud huff, presumably from James. Remus started to wonder exactly why James was in the hospital wing but stopped himself, realising there was an abundance of reasons he could be here, knowing James.

As usual, Remus couldn’t remember a thing about the full moon, only the hunger and blood-lust that he had felt. He hated that almost as much as the transformations themselves, the feeling of helplessness; he could have killed someone last night and he would have no idea.

“Ah, you’re awake, Mr Lupin,” Madam Pomfrey moved round the screen around his bed and began casting diagnostic charms. There was a look of concern and something else that Remus couldn’t quite pinpoint in her eyes. She looked like she wanted to ask him a question.

“How bad was it?” Remus asked wearily.

Madam Pomfrey raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’ve nothing to compare it to, have I?”

“Oh. Sorry.” Remus was so used to asking his mum that exact question after he’d woken up after a full moon that it’d become a habit. “What… What injuries did I have?”

“A dislocated shoulder, broken ankle, some large gashes down your sides and plenty other scratches everywhere else.”

“Ah ok.” He glanced up at Madam Pomfrey again, noticing that she still looked like she wanted to ask him something.

“Is it always like this?” She asked tentatively after a moment. “I’ve nothing to compare it to, you see, never had anyone like you in here before.”

Remus glanced nervously around the screen, hoping that James couldn’t overhear the conversation. “No, well, yes, sort of… It’s always different - the uh- the Wolf picks up on how I’m feeling I think. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes it’s better - I’d say this was about average.”

He’d never really talked openly about it before like this, there was his mum, of course, who asked tentative, wary questions every now and then, but they’d never really sat down and had a proper conversation about it. It felt good; like a weight lifted off his shoulders.

Madam Pomfrey nodded, looking thoroughly interested.

“Alright, well, I don’t want to keep you in here all day. I’ve healed everything that I can, you just need time to rest. I’ll send you back up to your dormitory with Mr Potter, once I’ve finished with him, and you can have the rest of the day to recuperate.”

Remus opened his mouth to protest but was silenced with a sharp glare. He didn’t want to miss lessons, he couldn’t afford to. If he missed two days of lessons every month he would surely fall even further behind than he already seemed to be. Apparently there was nothing to do about that, though.

Ten minutes later, Remus found himself trailing up to the Gryffindor tower behind James.

“What was up with you?” James asked, not unkindly.

Remus blanched; how the hell was he supposed to answer that? ‘ _Well you see, James, I’m actually a dark creature who spent the better part of last night tearing myself to pieces as a distraction from the painfully ever-present thought of the delicious taste of human flesh.’_

“Ah- I er- I had a- had a cold?”

James raised an eyebrow. “No offence or anything, mate, but you look like you were run over by a herd of centaurs.”

A short, surprised laugh left Remus’ mouth, one side of his lips curving up in a wry smile. “It was a bad cold.”

“Right.” James shook his head in disbelief, but didn’t say any more. “I asked Peter to take notes for you in class.” He added after a moment.

Remus froze in surprise. “You did?”

“...That’s what I just said, isn't it?”

“Oh. I- Thank you.” Remus flushed, overwhelmed with gratitude. “Thank you.” He repeated.

James watched him carefully. “S’no problem, mate.” He offered him a small grin.

Remus returned it shyly. “So why were you in there?”

“Ah, now that was one hundred percent Sirius’ fault.”

“I’m sure it was.” Remus told him sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

“It was!” James protested, grinning. “He gave me this hex to use on Frank Longbottom that was supposed to turn his hair bright pink.”

“And?”

“Well, I was sitting there innocently,” - Remus scoffed - “in the great hall at breakfast and Dumbledore’s talking to us about something, dunno what, wasn’t paying attention, and Sirius goes ‘now’s a good time’ and so I aim my wand at him and shoot this hex at him.”

“And?”

“And Sirius is a right bastard! It didn’t turn Frank Longbottom’s hair pink, it turned my hair pink!”

“And?”

“And not just my hair,” James muttered miserably, “The rest of me as well.”

Remus laughed loudly, ignoring the pain in his aching body. “The- the rest of you?” Remus spluttered, “Like-”

“Yes.” James grouched. “Everywhere.”

“Oh Merlin, you don’t understand how upset I am that I didn’t get to see that,” Remus laughed. “And this was in front of the whole school?”

James nodded an affirmative, “It was truly traumatising, you should’ve seen Sirius’ face, I thought he might pass out from laughing so hard. Even McGonagall was laughing.”

Remus chuckled and then smirked slightly, “Truly traumatising, hm? I think you need to get revenge.”

James’ face lit up and he shook Remus painfully by the shoulders. “You’re a genius, Remus! That’s exactly what we’re gonna do!”

“We?”

“Oh yes, I can’t do it all by myself, I’m gonna need a sidekick.”

Remus smiled, “Great.”

They reached the Common room and climbed through the portrait hole, heading up to the dormitory.

“Technically, I should really go back to lessons now, but unfortunately I have other, more important things to be doing - like planning an utterly spectacular prank on Sirius Black.” James turned back to grin mischievously at Remus as they made their way up the stairs.

Remus shook his head, laughing, grateful for the distraction from the searing pain in his joints. He settled down onto his bed, chest heaving from the exhaustion and pain of the full moon.

“You sure you’re alright, mate?” James asked, worriedly, watching him. “Don’t need to go back to Matron do you?”

Remus shook his head, “No. I’m fine.”

“Good.” James gave a nod of his head. “Right, so I’ve got this idea..”

Remus leaned in, forgetting the pain that was coursing through his joints and finding himself captivated by the way James described his idea for the prank. He had a way of doing that; a way of capturing anyone and everyone’s attention in the room. It was in the later hours of the day, when the sun was beginning to dip behind the clouds, casting a golden light on the castle, when Sirius and Peter returned to the dormitory and even then Remus couldn’t find it in himself to argue with Sirius. He had not felt this content in a very long time.


	4. a different sirius black (first year)

“This is so _unfair,_ ” Sirius whined.

“Although I do agree with you, mate, you’ve said that so many times in the space of five minutes that I’m beginning to wonder whether you have any other words in your vocabulary.”

“But it’s _so_ unfair! _”_

“You did just say that,” Peter piped up quietly.

“But it’s bloody _unfair_!”

“For Merlin’s sake, Black, SHUT UP!” Remus snapped loudly, directing his furious glare at the other boy. Sirius recoiled, looking as if he’d been slapped round the face, hard. “It’s an _hours_ detention, not like you’re being sentenced to a life-time in Azkaban.”

Sirius glared back at Remus, a look of both shock and embarrassment on his face.

“...Ok, you two, maybe we should just chill a bit? Hm?” James offered, glancing between the two of them.

Sirius’ gaze snapped back to James, softening from the hard glare that he’d directed at Remus, but his jaw remained clenched. “Fine.”

James raised his eyebrows at Remus and he gave a stiff nod in return, before spinning around and walking swiftly towards the dorm door. “We should get going. Wouldn’t want to keep Mcgonagall waiting.” And with that he left, the other three boys hurrying after him.

“Bloody hell, Remus,” James muttered, speeding up to walk beside the taller boy. “I get that you don’t like him, but couldn’t you just wait until our cleverly-crafted prank on him to take out your anger?”

Remus grunted under his breath and rolled his eyes. “How the hell am I supposed to put up with him?” He asked exasperatedly.

A small grin settled on James’ face. “It’s really not that hard Remus, c’mon, just ignore him whenever he says something stupid.”

“You mean all the time then?”

James let out a small chuckle under his breath. “Ok, fair but-” He glanced back briefly to check that Sirius and Peter were a safe enough distance behind them. “OK so I had another idea for our prank on him, right?”

Remus’ eyes lit up mischievously and he smirked. “Let’s hear it then, Potter.”

“Well I was thinking about how we said we were gonna turn him a lovely shade of Slytherin green, just like he did to me, yeah? Well, how about we don’t turn _him_ green, just his robes - we could switch his Gryffindor robes for Slytherin ones! You know how much he hates Slytherin’s it would be hilarious!”

Remus grinned. “That would work, and if we do it before Monday morning, he probably wouldn’t even notice until halfway through the day - you know how he is on Monday mornings.” He frowned internally, realizing that even after only knowing his three dorm mates for a week or so, he already knew a lot about them.

James cackled quietly. “Perfect, it’s perfect.”

***

“Mr Potter, Mr Pettigrew, you’ll be helping Hagrid collect flobberworm mucus for Professor Slughorn.”

“Oh, Merlin, _no_ ,” James cried, looking horrified and clutching his heart as if in pain. McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

“And you will not protest, or you’ll find yourself doing this not only tonight, but for the rest of the week as well.”

Remus found himself fidgeting nervously on the spot; if James and Peter were paired together, surely that would mean that he and Sirius would be together.

“Mr Lupin, Mr Black, you will be cleaning trophies in the trophy room with Mr Filch.” McGonagall told the other two boys. “ _Without_ magic, Black.” She added with a stern look at Sirius.

Remus clenched his jaw. He’d just have to be quiet and try not to start an argument if he wanted to get this over with. From beside him, Sirius groaned.

“Hey,” James muttered. “Be thankful you’re not collecting flobberworm mucus, mate.”

Sirius smirked slightly, “Ha! True, have fun with that.” He cast a strangely nervous glance at Remus, grey eyes meeting amber ones for a second. It seemed so out of character compared to what little Remus knew of the other boy, that for a second he forgot about everything he disliked about him. Maybe he _should_ give Sirius more of a chance.

The two Gryffindors followed the caretaker down a dimly lit corridor; torchlight flickering ominously in the darkness. _What I wouldn’t give to be sat in the common room with a book right now,_ Remus thought longingly.

“‘Ere y’are.” Filch told them gruffly, indicating to the large room on their left. “An’ don’t ya dare think about leavin’ ‘til I come an get ya.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Sirius smirked, as the caretaker left, closing the door behind him.

Remus sighed, rolling his eyes and turning away. He picked up one of the cloths on the side and moved towards the first trophy.

Both Sirius and Remus worked in silence for a while, Remus could tell that it was taking every bit of Sirius’ self-control (of which there probably wasn’t a lot) to not start talking. He did break the silence in the end though.

“Why do you hate me, Lupin?”

Remus blinked up in surprise, not only shocked at the question but the tone as well; Sirius didn’t sound _vulnerable_ but there was certainly a hint of it in his voice, that was otherwise masked with what sounded like annoyance. It threw Remus off course.

“I don’t hate you, Black.” He muttered, scrubbing the trophy in front of him furiously.

“You don’t?”

“No. ‘Course not, I hardly know you. Besides, I don’t hate anyone.” _Liar,_ the voice in the back of his mind hissed, bringing up memories of a dark night, of a full moon, of screaming and pain, of isolation and of a ragged newspaper with Fenrir Greyback’s face snarling out of the front cover beside the solemn picture of his father. Remus shook his head in an attempt to get rid of the memories.

“Right. If you don’t hate me, then why do you _dislike_ me so much.”

Remus glanced up slightly, his gaze flickering over Sirius’ earnest expression, and in that moment, he had absolutely no idea why Sirius irritated him so much.

“I-” Remus broke off, searching for some way of explaining.

“I don’t know.” He muttered eventually, glaring at the trophy in front of him.

“That’s clearly a lie.” Sirius replied bluntly.

It was. But how was Remus to explain that Sirius represented everything that he would never have? That Sirius was wealth, friendship and careless happiness while Remus was poverty, failure and unwilling silence.

“It’s complicated.”

Remus heard Sirius’ loud, impatient exhale. “Merlin. I don’t care if it’s ‘complicated’. I just want to know why you bloody _dislike_ me so much!”

Remus watched Sirius carefully for a minute. “Why do you care?” He asked quietly.

“You’re avoiding the question, Lupin.” Sirius replied. But Remus noticed the way his jaw tensed, his eyes narrowed.

“No, really, why do you care? You go strutting around the castle without a care in the world and I’ve seen at least five people insult you. Merlin, Snape _hates_ you and all you do is fire a curse back at him. You couldn’t care less why anyone else hated you, so why are you pretending you do with me?”

Sirius glared at him. “I’m _not_ ‘pretending’ I care why you hate me. I genuinely do.”

This comment filled Remus with both surprise and disbelief, but he didn’t have time to comment because Sirius continued.

“Despite what you might think, I am human and I do care what people think about me.” Sirius growled angrily. “It's just-- it's just easier to act like I don't. Makes life a whole lot easier.” Remus turned to glance at Sirius as his voice quietened, losing the angry undertone. "It's what I've always been taught... I shouldn't care what others think and if I do then I should do my damnedest to act otherwise."

 _I was completely wrong about him_ , Remus realised. Although he’d never been a great judge of character, he’d completely misjudged Sirius more than he thought possible.

“Makes sense.” Remus replied quietly.

“Right. My question now, as I just answered yours.”

“Fine. But it’s- It’s sort of confusing.”

“Go ahead.”

“Well, you’re- you’re popular, right? You and James; everybody loves you and we haven’t even been at the school for a month. But the thing is, you don’t even try, it’s- it’s effortless - you’re not even trying, you’re just being yourselves. And it’s bloody stupid but there’s a part of me that can’t help but be jealous.”

Remus turned to see Sirius frowning at him. “Don’t- I don’t mean like that and I certainly don’t need your sympathy. I just- What I mean is, when I look at you I just see everything that I can’t be or have.”

Remus could feel Sirius’ gaze burning into him and realised that maybe he might’ve said too much. _Should’ve bloody kept your mouth shut._

After a second, Sirius said: “You don’t hate James.”

“No, but that’s probably because he made an effort to be nice to me.” Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius.

“I don’t think I have much of a filter, I just say whatever comes into my head.” Sirius muttered, looking truly apologetic.

“No- I’m not saying I don’t like you because you don’t think before you speak, I’m just- _bloody hell_ Sirius I don’t even know you.” Remus sighed, exasperated.

“That’s true.”

Remus nodded silently, not knowing what else he could say without messing it up. It was a long time before Sirius spoke again.

“Lupin?”

“Mm.”

“You know the other night?”

“Huh?”

“When… When you had that nightmare?”

Remus tensed, clenching his fist around the cloth. “I would prefer not to talk about that.” He growled.

“No, no, I’m not- I just thought you might-”

“Shut. Up. Black.”

There was a long pause. “Lupin… I’m just trying to say-”

“Trying to say _what?”_ Remus sneered. “That I’m a fucking psycho? That I dream about killing people?”

“That’s not-”

“Don’t. Just don’t, Black. Whatever you’ve got to say, I’m sure I’ve heard it plenty of times before.”

The door slammed open, revealing both Filch and Mrs Norris silhouetted in the torchlight outside.

“Times up boys.” The caretaker leered. “I’m sure you ‘ad plenty of fun.”

And with that, Remus shoved past Sirius and Filch and out the door, without looking back.

***

On Sunday morning, Remus woke to the sound of war-cries as was ritual in his dormitory now apparently. He’d hardly gotten any sleep but that was on par for the course as well; ever since he’d woken Sirius and Peter up with his nightmare he’d been terrified for a repeat event.

“I’ll get you for that, Black!” Came James’ shout from the other side of the dormitory followed by a shriek from Peter.

“It’s what you _deserve_ for disrupting my beauty sleep.”

“Thought you didn’t need it, hm?”

“Of course I don’t! It’s still nice to get some every now and then!” Sirius yelled, hurling a pillow across the room. Remus shoved himself out of bed, yawning tiredly, his eyes briefly meeting Sirius’. Sirius’ eyes widened and he looked vaguely concerned for a moment before being hit squarely in the face by a pillow.

“Argh!!”

“It’s Sunday morning,” Remus moaned, sending a pleading look James’ way. “All I wanted was some sleep.”

James gasped loudly, “But, Remus, it’s almost midday!”

“It’s bloody seven o’clock in the morning, you idiot!” But Remus couldn’t stop the small smile that tugged on his lips as he picked up the pillow beside him and sent it swiftly through the air, effectively knocking out both James and Peter, sending them both toppling back onto Peters’ bed.

“Noooo!” James cried as he went down.

Peter screeched loudly, before erupting into a fit of giggles and he was soon joined by James. Remus shook his head, smiling and realising for the first time since he’d joined Hogwarts that he was truly enjoying himself.

“Remus..” Without him noticing, Sirius had approached his bed.

“Black.” Remus acknowledged stiffly

Sirius went to place a hand on his arm but Remus snatched it back quickly - he _really_ wasn’t keen on physical contact. “What do you want?” Remus asked.

“I- uh- in detention I was-”

“Black, if this is going where I think it is, you can leave me alone.” Remus growled under his breath. He shot a glance at James and Peter but they were still rolling around on the bed laughing.

“No- I just- _muffliato._ ” Sirius said, looking at Remus expectantly.

“What?”

“It’s a spell that means people can’t overhear you.”

“And?”

“And that means that you can get some sleep, Lupin. Merlin knows, you clearly need it by the state of you.”

“Thanks.” Remus replied icily. “But why would that-”

“Look, Lupin, I’m not dumb. You obviously haven’t been sleeping for fear of waking us again, so here’s your solution.”

Remus blinked. “But-” He broke off. He searched Sirius’ face for anything mocking or hurtful but only found sincerity. “...Thank you.” He murmured softly.

Sirius grinned widely, his eyes crinkling at the corners and Remus found that the whole room seemed to light up because of it.

“What are you two grinning about?” James asked curiously, coming up beside Sirius. Remus hadn’t even realised that he’d been smiling back at Sirius.

“The thought of you, naked, in front of the whole school.” Remus replied drily.

“Aw, Remus, you want to see me naked that much?” James grinned, blowing him a kiss.

“Nothing I want more.” Remus muttered with a fond roll of his eyes.

“Mhm, that’s nice but-” James broke off pointing at himself and Remus. “ _We_ -” He emphasised heavily. “Need to-” He broke off again, gesturing two people leaving the room. “ _Go_ -”

“Merlin, Potter.” Remus interrupted, glancing at Sirius and Peter’s bewildered faces, snatching James arm by the sleeve and tugging him out of the room.

“Couldn’t you be anymore discreet?” Remus muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Hey! That was pretty good considering that we had Sirius and Peter watching our every move!” James protested, following Remus into the common room.

Remus sighed, sending a smile at Lily and Marlene who were both sat on the sofa.

“Hey,” Lily greeted Remus warmly. “Potter.” She acknowledged.

“Evans. Mckinnon.” He greeted them, ruffling his hair. He turned back to Remus. “Right so I know how we’re gonna do this. I know a charm that can take off someone’s robes-”

“Why in Merlin’s name would you know something like that, Potter?” Came Marlene’s voice from behind them on the sofa.

“Not like that!” James protested, before turning back to Remus and speaking quieter. “All we’ve got to do is find Snape-”

“Snape?!” Remus hissed.

“Well who else’s robes are we going to steal?”

“No one’s? We could take some from wherever they have spares?”

“That won’t do. We’ve no idea where they keep them, _if_ they do. Anyway, it’ll be hilarious to see the look on Snape’s face.”

“No. That’s _cruel_.” Remus replied, frowning.

“Since when? We’re literally doing the same thing to Sirius as well!”

“No we’re not! We’re not stealing Sirius’ robes, we’re just swapping them, and he provoked it and will know it’s just a fun prank! Sure, Snape’s a prat but he hasn’t done anything to you.”

James raised an eyebrow.

“Ok, ok that’s besides the point - we can’t just _steal_ a random Slytherin’s robes!”

“Yeah we can, c’mon, Remus, he’ll hardly notice.”

“No.”

“We’ll return them exactly how they were?”

“No.”

“Reeeeemuuuus.”

Remus let out a long suffering sigh, closed his eyes and muttered. “Fine. But if we get in trouble, you’re the one getting the detention.”

“Great! Let’s go steal Snape’s robes!” James grinned, looking unhealthily excited at the prospect.

“Why do I do this to myself?” Remus groaned.


	5. arguments and apologies (first year)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a shorter chapter this time, but I hope y'all enjoy anyway :))  
> I'm starting to really get into this fic so updates might be a bit faster (no promises)  
> Any feedback is most welcome <3

“Five galleons says he won’t notice until Defence.”

“Definitely not,” Remus muttered, eyeing Sirius’ slumped, half-asleep form that was donned in ruffled Slytherin robes beside James at the breakfast table. _I don’t even_ **_have_ ** _five galleons,_ Remus realised irritably. He was definitely not going to voice that out loud. “If I _was_ going to bet, which I’m not, I’d say he won’t notice until charms.”

James spluttered slightly, “We haven’t got charms until Wednesday!”

“Precisely.”

With a glance at Peter, Remus could see that the other boy had put two and two together to figure out why exactly Sirius was wearing Slytherin robes. Peter grinned at the two of them, shaking his head slightly.

“Remus?”

He turned to see Marlene smirking slightly beside a frowning Lily.

“Yes?” He asked innocently.

“Why, in the name of Merlin’s saggy tits is _Black_ wearing a Slytherin robe?” Marlene hissed, barely withholding her laughter.

“Marlene!” Lily gasped at the same time as both Remus and James shushed her loudly.

James grinned and tapped the side of his nose conspiratorially. “Revenge.” He winked. “Don’t tell him.”

“Ah, I see, Potter,” Lily said, cocking her head to the side slightly and raising her eyebrows. “Is this about the incident last week? Because that was quite possibly the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” James muttered, turning crimson and ducking his head.

“Why, Potter, you’ve turned almost the same colour as you were then!” Lily laughed.

James grunted, shooting her a glare. “C’mon, Sirius, we’re going to potions.”

He grabbed Sirius’ arm and dragged him upright, eliciting a grumbled, half-hearted protest. “Remus, Peter, you coming?”

The two nodded getting up and following James and Sirius out of the hall. They reached the entrance hall only for James to stop abruptly as there was a loud cackle of laughter.

“What’s this?” An older, Slytherin girl asked, eyes mocking. She wasn’t very tall but the way she stood made up for that; head held high, back stiff with pride. Remus had no idea who she was.

She gasped laughingly, eyes travelling over Sirius’ robes. _Shit._

“Cissy!” She cackled. “Come look at this!”

By now Sirius had properly woken up and seemed to have frozen. “Bellatrix.” He acknowledged quietly.

And then it clicked in Remus’ head. The aristocratic features, the same grey eyes, the way Sirius had spoken when he’d first got to Hogwarts. They were _family_.

“Oh, Siri,” She smiled mockingly. Another girl approached from behind Bellatrix, slightly taller and with long straight hair, but still clearly related. “Finally realised what it means to be a Gryffindor?”

“What?” Sirius frowned, glancing back at James, Remus and Peter. 

“If you want to be in Slytherin,” Bellatrix moved closer so that she was face to face with Sirius. “You have to _deserve_ it. And you certainly didn’t.” She hissed through bared teeth.

“What are you talking about? I don’t want to be in your bloody house.”

“What do you _think_ she’s talking about, Sirius?” The girl behind asked coldly. Her face was a picture of disgust as her eyes flickered over the Slytherin emblem emblazoned on Sirius’ chest. Sirius’ eyes followed hers and Remus saw the moment of realisation as it passed over his face.

“I think we should go now,” James said. “Pleasure to meet you, though.” He directed what he probably thought was a charming smile at the two older girls. Meanwhile, Sirius was staring, pale-faced at the snake on his robes.

“Wh- What? How- What?”

Bellatrix was still snickering under her breath as James steered Sirius away, followed by Remus and Peter.

“Listen… Sirius,” Remus started hesitantly, looking pointedly at James who was doing nothing to explain.

Sirius’ head snapped up quickly and Remus was taken aback by the cold fury that glistened in his eyes. “Did you do this?”

“Yes.”

“But it was-” James began.

“You as well?” Sirius asked, spinning on James. Remus couldn’t tell if he was going to start a fight or burst into tears.

“Yeah but Sirius,-”

“Bastards. Both of you.” He hissed, eyes darting between the two of them. Remus’ eyes followed him as he turned and left without another word.

Silence.

“James-” Remus started quietly.

“I should’ve realised.” The other boy whispered almost to himself.

“What?”

“I should’ve realised. His family- they- they’ve always been Slytherins.”

“So?” Remus frowned, watching James curiously.

“I don’t know. But I don’t think they appreciate Sirius being the first Gryffindor.”

“Clearly not.” Peter added from beside Remus, watching the two of them.

“But I don’t- that’s not-” Remus muttered struggling to wrap his head around why Sirius was so upset.

“Listen, Remus,” James started. “You’re a half blood. So it’s not quite the same-”

Remus glowered at him dangerously.

“Not like that! It’s not the same for me either, being a blood traitor and all,” James rolled his eyes. “What I’m trying to say is that I think after hundreds of years of Blacks being housed in Slytherin, it’s _going_ to be hard being sorted into a different house. Especially Gryffindor. But I don’t think he’s upset about us switching his robes; he’s upset about his two cousins - I mean, c’mon, did you see what’s her name... Bellatrix?”

Remus frowned. “But-”

“Look, I just think we owe him an apology.”

“It was a joke.” Remus muttered with a roll of his eyes.

“So?” Peter piped up again. “It doesn’t matter if it was a joke or not. Doesn’t matter if you can understand _why_ he’s upset or not - it’s the fact that he _is_. You owe him an apology, Remus.”

Remus cocked his head to the side, seeing Peter in a completely different light.

“Yes, I know, shocking though it may be, Peter here does actually have his occasional philosophical moments.” James grinned, ruffling the smaller boys hair.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Glad I’m not completely surrounded by idiots then.”

“Hey!” James pouted.

“It’s true and you know it.”

James scowled back at Remus. “Whatever. C’mon chaps we need to go and apologise to Sirius.” He wrapped an arm around Remus and Peter’s shoulders, guiding them towards the stairs. Remus shrugged the arm off.

“What? No, we can’t miss potions.” Remus shook his head, eyes going slightly wide.

“Sure we can Remus.” James shot a grin over his shoulder.

“No but-”

“Merlin, Remus, it’s not like you even want to go is it?”

“No but-” He broke off, knowing he couldn’t voice it aloud. _But you can afford to miss lessons,_ he filled in silently, _I can’t._

“Exactly. Let’s go.”

***

Remus had known from the moment he’d first met Sirius that he was a very emotional person. But the way Remus saw it, Sirius wasn’t just emotional, he was _alive_. It was captivating, in a way, (though Remus would never voice that aloud): the way you could walk into a room and practically feel Sirius’ emotions radiating off him, it changed the whole atmosphere in the room.

The one thing Remus hadn’t yet experienced, however, was an upset Sirius. He’d seen the other boy happy, angry, proud, surprised but never sad. Which is most likely why it shocked Remus so much when he entered the dormitory.

Sirius was sat hunched over on the window sill, eyes following the fat drops of rain as they rolled down the window. It wasn’t only sadness that seemed to emanate from him, but loneliness too.

“Sirius,” James started quietly, making his way over to the other boy. Sirius startled, head whipping round to James, before he ducked it again, covering his face with his hands. But it wasn’t before Remus had seen the tear tracks on his cheeks. If Sirius was anything, Sirius was proud; he certainly wouldn’t want to be seen crying, especially over something that seemed so trivial.

“I don’t care, James,” Sirius muttered, not looking up, “Whatever you’re going to say, I don’t care.”

“We’re sorry, Sirius, we didn’t think. It was just supposed to be a joke.” James said sincerely.

Sirius barked out a short, hollow laugh. “I don’t care.”

“Ok- Ok, but Sirius you know you can-”

“I _said_ I don’t care, James, got that?” He snapped aggressively, finally looking up. His eyes burned with a deep, sad loneliness that Remus found was too familiar for his liking.

“Sorry,” James murmured quietly, backing away.

There was a long silence before Remus finally rolled his eyes and sighed. “Look, Sirius, we’re sorry, ok?” The other boy lifted his head in surprise. “We never intended to upset you, but if we did then we’re sorry. We didn’t know that your family was…” He paused, struggling for the right word.

“You don’t know shit about my family, Lupin.”

“No. No I don’t, but that’s my point. It was just meant to be a laugh and it wasn’t, so we’re sorry.”

Remus gave a short nod of finality, turned and left the room, gesturing for James and Peter to do the same, leaving Sirius sat just as he was before. Except now his eyes reflected curiosity and something close to trust instead of loneliness.


	6. well kept secrets (first year)

The weeks flew by, and before Remus knew it, he was starting to feel at home at Hogwarts. Not only that, but he also had friends; something he hadn’t even hoped for before he’d arrived.

Lily was kind and fiercely loyal, and the two of them had formed a friendship that was everything Remus could have ever wanted. Not only was she his closest friend, but she was also a confidant and someone who he could talk to about anything (or at least almost anything). What Remus found odd, however, was her continued friendship with Snape. Though Remus tried his best to stay away from the black haired slytherin, he had encountered him plenty of times to know that the only thing Snape had ever directed at him was hatred. Somehow, Lily still seemed capable of seeing him as a good person though and Remus wasn’t going to protest; she could be friends with who she liked.

There was James as well of course, who Remus considered to be reasonably close with. He was a joker and a prankster and occasionally got a bit carried away but he had a large heart. He was also both incredibly perceptive and oblivious at the same time. On the one hand, he seemed to have caught on to Remus’ thing about physical contact straight away and done his best not to give him the friendly slap on the back he gave everyone else or the playful punch on the shoulder whenever Remus made a sarcastic comment. On the other hand, he seemed to see everything as black and white, good and bad, Gryffindor and Slytherin. Nothing could convince James that the Slytherins weren’t actually that bad, despite most of them being stuck up and strong-willed.

There was also Peter, small and quiet, but loud when he wanted to be. He was curious and kind, with a way of making people feel good about themselves. Remus still found himself wondering how Peter’d been put in Gryffindor, though. In Remus’ eyes he fit more into Hufflepuff or even Ravenclaw or Slytherin; he seemed totally out of place amongst the bold, boisterous Gryffindors.

And then there was Sirius. Remus didn’t consider him a friend, per se, but someone who he was beginning to begrudgingly get along with for the sake of James and Peter. He still had yet to figure the other boy out, though, as he could tell that Sirius had secrets that he was keeping from both Remus and Peter and possibly even James. But then again, didn’t everybody? Sirius was proud and fiery, with a quick temper and attention span too it seemed. At times Remus thought the other boy seemed lost, even in a room surrounded by other Gryffindors, and he’d get this look in his eye like he was alone in the middle of a foreign country and he had no idea where he was going. Remus always shook these moments off, trying to forget how lonely Sirius had looked and continuing with whatever he was doing. But it still intrigued him, what could Sirius possibly be hiding?

Remus was startled from his thoughts by a voice behind him. “Thought you were supposed to be studying?”

He turned to see a swish of ginger hair and curious green eyes. “Hm, yeah, I was.” He looked down at the two words he’d written on the piece of parchment in front of him and yawned.

“You ok, Remus?”

“Mmhm, yeah, why?” He mumbled tiredly.

“You seem practically dead on your feet _and_  you missed dinner. There was chocolate pudding.” Lily added with a cheeky grin.

Remus pouted at the thought of missed chocolate pudding. “I’m fine, Lily, don’t worry about me.” He clearly wasn’t - the full moon had been two days ago and he was still feeling the toll of it, but he wasn’t going to be voicing that aloud.

“Sometimes, Re, you seem a lot older than you actually are.” Lily told him with a small, confused smile. She helped him up gently and collected his books that were spread across the table.

“I do?”

“Yes. Especially beside Potter and Black - those two are so immature.” She muttered, shaking her head. They rounded the last bookshelf and were met by an unfriendly face.

“Lily!” Snape greeted, his eyes briefly flickering over Remus before ignoring him completely.

“Hey, Sev,” Lily smiled sweetly.

“What brings you here at this time?”

“Oh, I came looking for Remus - hadn’t seen him at dinner.”

“Can the halfblood not look after himself?” Snape sniffed haughtily, not even sparing Remus a glance.

Remus clenched his fists and narrowed his eyes, ready to make a harsh retort. “Of course he can, Sev, I was just looking out for him - that’s what friends do.”

Snape seemed to stiffen at the word ‘friends’ and his eyes darkened slightly. Remus watched him edge closer slightly, looking as though he wanted to say something, do something, but thought better of it. “I see. That’s nice of you, Lily.” He forced a smile. “I’d better be going.” He brushed passed them only stopping to hiss quietly into Remus’ ear.

“Stay away from her, Lupin. I’ve got hundreds of hexes that I’d be willing to try on you.”

Remus shivered at the obvious threat, he didn’t particularly like Snape but he still couldn’t understand what the Slytherin had against him. Shaking himself, he hurried after Lily, trying to pay attention to her rambling about something that happened in History of Magic the other day.

***

“So who’s going home for Christmas?” James asked over breakfast the next day.

“Bloody hell, Potter, it’s not even December yet.” Sirius muttered, staring down at his plate darkly.

Remus glanced up to see James’ face light up in a grin. “So? It’s never too early to start thinking about Christmas!”

“Yes it is.” Both Remus and Sirius chorused in unison. They glanced at each other in surprise.

“What? Christmas is the best!” Peter joined in.

“Never said it wasn’t.” Remus replied with a shrug, eyes focused on Sirius’ downcast face. He seemed like the type of person who would love Christmas, and yet here he was, looking as if he'd never see the light of day again..?

“Good.” James smirked. “Sirius? You going home for Christmas?”

Remus watched Sirius closely as he grimaced. “Suppose I’ll have to, won’t I?” He couldn’t tell if he was joking or annoyed.

“You could always stay here?” Peter asked lightly, earning a dark glare from Sirius.

“Course I couldn’t.” Sirius muttered.

“But wh-” Remus started, only to be interrupted by a desperate looking James.

“Well you’ll be going home won’t you, Remus? What with your Mum being ill and all?”

Well, technically his Mum wasn’t _actually_ ill. It was just a convenient lie that he’d told for the past two full moons that seemed to work well enough and explained his absence. Still, he felt a bit guilty about it.

“Oh, well- actually, I wasn’t so sure…” He shrugged. “It might be fun to stay for Christmas?”

Sirius glanced up, frowning. “Is your Mum better then?”

“I- ah- no. It’s on and off.” Remus managed.

“So you can take time off during school to go and visit her but you can’t stay with her over Christmas?” Sirius questioned. It felt like an interrogation.

“No…” Remus argued weakly. “I just- I felt like she might want a peaceful Christmas..” That, at least, wasn’t a lie. He had decided that, no matter how much he wanted to see his Mum, it would be less hassle if he just stayed put until the summer - then she wouldn’t have to worry about his transformations.

Sirius hummed slightly, a searching look on his face as he studied Remus. When James started speaking, Remus was certain it would be to diffuse the argument, as usual in these situations. Instead he said, “What about your dad?”

Remus felt his stomach drop. “My- My dad?”

“Yeah. Surely you want to see him?”

Remus looked down at his breakfast, no longer feeling hungry. Everytime the topic had come up, he’d found someway to change it or leave the conversation. He couldn’t do that now.

“My dad’s dead.”

He clenched his fists tightly in an attempt to stop the onslaught of haunting memories, but still, he couldn’t get the image of the newspaper with his dad’s mauled face on it out of his head. The feeling of guilt was so strong he felt it might overwhelm him - like the sea swirling in to drag him away.

Remus looked up and immediately regretted it. The three boys were staring at him in shock, sympathy and confusion.

He stood up quickly, not wanting to handle their questions. “I’m not hungry anymore.” He said quietly and then turned and left.

***

Sirius watched Remus’ retreating figure. There was clearly more to it than just his Dad having died, from the look on Remus’s face. Besides, it was quite obvious that the other boy had secrets, but unlike most people, Sirius found he couldn’t figure Remus’ out.

“We should go after him,” Peter said quietly.

“I don’t think so, Pete. I think he wanted to be alone.” James muttered. “How could we not have realised?” He threw his hands up in exasperation. “He never mentions his dad!”

“He didn’t want us to know.” Sirius said.

“Yeah but why?”

“Because there’s more to it than that.” Sirius suggested. He glanced up to see James watching him with an odd look. “What?”

“Since when were you so good at reading people?”

“...I’m not?”

James frowned doubtfully but shook his head. “What do you mean there’s more to it than that?”

“Sirius thinks Remus is hiding something.” Peter told James.

“What?!” Sirius glanced up at Peter. “I never said that!”

“No but that’s what it looks like..”

“No… I just-” He paused, looking for how to put it lightly. “Not that it’s any of our business or anything, but Remus obviously has a lot of secrets. His Dad’s death being one of them.”

James looked utterly bewildered at this, and it occurred to Sirius then that James _wouldn’t_ understand - he was the most open person Sirius knew. Sirius’ eyes desperately sought out Peter’s, hoping he would be able to grasp what Sirius was saying, and found his head was bobbing in agreement.

“Come to think of it, Remus does seem like a very secretive guy.” Peter shrugged.

“But like I said, it’s none of our business. If there is more to Remus’ dad’s death than he’s telling us then he obviously doesn’t want us to know. He’ll come to us when he’s ready.” Sirius said, eyebrows raised meaningfully at James.

“But we’re his friends!” James protested. “We’re not going to scoff and laugh at him - how bad could it be!”

“Like I said, James, he’ll come to us when he’s ready.”

Only then did he realise that what he’d said spoke not only for Remus, but for himself as well. Because Remus Lupin was not the only one who could keep secrets, and Sirius knew a fair bit about it himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter this time, sorry about that,
> 
> Kudos and comments mean the world to me and really motivate me to keep writing :) xx


	7. christmas of 1971 (first year)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight TW for child abuse in this one
> 
> I feel like I'm dragging out first year a little too much so I'm going to try and get the pace moving a little faster from hear on. also, I love all your kudos and comments endlessly! :)

Remus was eternally grateful when the topic of his father was not broached again. When he had joined the rest of them for classes that day, James had quietly asked if he was ok, Remus had nodded and that was that.

The December full moon passed relatively uneventfully, despite the confused and concerned looks that were thrown his way when he came back baring a fresh scar that clawed its way down his cheek and neck. James had once again made sure that Peter took notes for him in class and Remus was overwhelmed with gratitude. In the end James convinced him that it would be best if he went home for christmas - though Remus wasn’t sure if the other boy had done it for Remus or out of concern for his supposedly ill mother.

As they neared the end of term, it finally clicked in Remus’ head exactly why Sirius had been so moody for the last week or so. _He doesn’t want to go home_. The realisation hit him like a truck as the four of them sat in the common room on the last day.

“Sirius, have you packed yet?” Peter asked, looking up from where he and James were having an intense game of chess.

Sirius blinked as if the question was utterly absurd. “No.”

Remus shared a look with James and Peter that was very similar to one they’d shared just two days prior when James had asked much the same question.

“We’re leaving in three hours, Sirius.” Remus said, looking up from his book. He watched Sirius’ jaw clench, but otherwise the boy didn’t react.

There was a triumphant squawk from where James and Peter were sat, before James moved over to sit next to Sirius on the sofa. “Sirius.” James’ tone was calm but stern. “Come on, mate,” he continued when Sirius didn’t even look up at him.

“What?”

James rolled his eyes at Sirius’ aggressive tone but didn’t rise to it as Remus would’ve done. “Stop being a lazy sod and get your ass up there to pack your bags.”

Sirius just glared at him, silver eyes burning aggressively. “No.” He growled, and Remus couldn’t help but think that he sounded like a petulant child. “Leave me alone, Potter.” He spat.

James raised his eyebrows, but nodded decidedly, “Fine by me, mate, I was just tryna help you out.”

James got up and headed towards the portrait hole. “Remus, Peter, snowball fight?” He suggested with a cheeky grin.

Remus bit the inside of his cheek uncertainly. He frowned at Sirius, knowing it would be so much easier if they just left him sitting there sulking. “You two go on, I’ll be there in a second.”

James shrugged and left, Peter following behind him.

“Sirius.” Remus said, snapping his fingers at the other boy so he’d look up.

“Yes?” The answer sounded worn down and tired, the aggressiveness he’d shown just moments before already fading.

“You know you’ll feel a lot better if you just pack your blasted trunk and come downstairs and join in the snowball fight.”

“No I won’t.”

“You will. You know you will, it’ll take your mind off of whatever’s bothering you.” Remus reasoned.

Sirius’ head shot up and for a moment he looked scared. “Nothing’s bothering me.” He protested. Remus tried not to scoff at the obvious lie.

He huffed out a sigh and rolled his eyes. “Look, whatever, Sirius. I’m not asking us to have a heart to heart or anything, I’m just saying that the minute you step outside and start hurling snowballs at James you’ll forget all about whatever it is. At least for the time being.”

Sirius exhaled shakily, running a hand through his hair. “Ok… Ok, fine.”

Remus gave a short nod before following Sirius up the dormitory stairs.

***

The train journey home was tense. Or at least it felt that way to Remus as he watched Sirius from where he sat with a stiff back and rigid posture. Peter and James were oblivious, however, or at least pretended to be and were too involved in discussions of quidditch for it to matter.

When they pulled up at King’s Cross, Sirius seemed to have pulled himself together, at least slightly.

“I’ll see you all next year, yeah?” Sirius grinned, even if it didn’t reach his eyes.

James shook his head, chuckling and pulling his trunk down from the rack. “Yeah, have a good Christmas all of you, and remember to write!”

Remus grinned, stepping off the train, and his eyes immediately sought out his mother.

“Rem!” She called out from across the platform, arms wide and welcoming, and Remus thanked the god that is James Potter for convincing him to come home. He moved forward without thinking about it, rushing to return her embrace.

“Missed you, mum,” he smiled into her chest.

“I missed you too, Rem,” she said softly, pulling back and ruffling his hair gently.

Remus took that moment to glance around for his other friends. He found James immediately, grinning widely and talking animatedly to his parents, and then Peter, wrapped in a bear hug from his dad, but Sirius…

Sirius was stood alone.

Or at least it looked that way at first glance, until Remus noticed the hunched over figure of a house elf that stood by Sirius’ side. Oh. His gaze flickered from James and Peter’s reunions back to Sirius again and then up to Sirius’ face. His posture was stiff and held tall, head tilted upwards like it was when they passed a bunch of Slytherins at Hogwarts, but his _face_. He looked so utterly lonely that Remus could almost feel it radiating from him on the other side of the platform.

Hope followed his gaze. “Is that a friend, Rem?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, sort of.” He shrugged.

“Where’re his parents? Isn’t anyone coming to collect him?” His mother asked, worry etched into the lines of her face.

“I don’t know, mum…” Remus murmured, watching as the house elf snatched hold of Sirius’ arm and disapparated. “I don’t know.”

***

Sirius wrenched his wrist out from Kreacher’s grasp as soon as they reached the doorstep of 12 Grimmauld Place. He breathed out shakily, gripping to the door frame as he tried desperately to anchor himself.

The door opened and Sirius followed Kreacher in, hearing it slam shut behind them at the click of the house elf’s fingers. He passed Regulus on his way through the house and offered him a wide smile, knowing they’d have to catch up properly later. He entered the living room, where his Mother and Father were waiting.

“Sirius.” His father acknowledged as he entered the room.

“Father.” Sirius nodded by way of greeting, thinking about how James had rushed towards his parents’ embrace at the train station. “Mother.”

“I trust your journey home was fine?” His mother asked, without glancing up from the parchment she was busy writing on. Sirius wanted to scoff at that, _ha! Like you care._

Sirius made a noise of assent. There was no ignoring the tense atmosphere in the room.

“Sirius.” His father began, and when Sirius looked up into those cold, blank eyes he felt chilled to the bone. “We’ve spoken with the Headmaster about your, ah… sorting.”

There it was.

“He has taken it upon himself to make the decision that you are staying there.”

 _Of course he did, it’s where I was sorted, where I belong!_ He wanted to scream.

“This isn’t very wise of him you realise, Sirius?” His mother joined in. “We’re afraid you might be influenced by the inhabitants of your current house.”

“Influenced how?” Sirius challenged, watching the flash of steel in his Mother’s eyes as she finally glanced up from her paperwork to look at him and feeling a strange sense of triumph. _Now you notice me._

“We’ve heard talk of you cavorting around with _mudbloods_ , Sirius.”

Sirius barely held back a flinch at the word. “Don’t call them that.” He all but hissed through gritted teeth.

“I’ll call them whatever I like,” Walburga growled, standing up from her chair and approaching Sirius.

“They’re my friends!” He protested, a fiery anger fuelling him. His mother’s eyes grew wide and her face contorted into a snarl.

She raised a hand and slapped him hard across the face, sending him reeling backwards.

“They are useless pieces of filth that have no right to a place in that school.” Was the hissing reply he received.

Sirius raised a hand to his face and clenched his teeth; he knew better than to say more. Through furious eyes Sirius glared at his mother and the woman stared back down at him, nostrils flaring in anger. Sirius’ gaze flickered momentarily to the figure that was his father, stood in the doorway and blocking the only exit.

“When you arrive back after Christmas you will behave how you are expected to, Sirius, as the Black family heir,” his mother finally spoke, in a cold, detached tone. “And you will socialise only with those who are of your status.”

Sirius waited in seething silence for the final, cutting blow.

“Or you will be sent to Beauxbatons to complete the rest of your education.”

***

“They were fine, mum,” Remus reassured softly at the unspoken question of his transformations in his mother’s eyes when they arrive home.

She nodded hastily and busied herself about the kitchen as she was wont to do. “And nobody knows?” She asked after a breath of silence.

“Nobody knows,” Remus nodded numbly. “Nobody ever will.”

Hope turned to him with sad, pitying eyes, “I’m sorry, Re,” she whispered and although he wasn’t sure what she was apologising for he just nodded. He was sorry too.

“It’s ok,” Remus said lightly. “Hogwarts is great.”

Remus watched his mother’s mouth turn up in a smile. “And you’re a brave Gryffindor just like your father!”

“That I am,” Remus grinned. “Where dwell the brave of heart!”

“And your friends? You mentioned them briefly in your letters.”

“Yeah, they’re great - you’d love them all mum.” Remus smiled, thinking about the Gryffindor dormitory that’d turned so quickly into somewhere he thought of as home.

“I’m so proud of you, Remus,” Hope beamed, and Remus knew what she was thinking, how she never thought he’d get a chance at any of this. “Your father would be too.”

Remus smiled. “I know.”


	8. friendship (first year)

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

“But that’s-”

“It sure is.”

Even from the other side of the door, Remus could tell that James had a smug grin on his face as he said this. Not wanting to encourage the other boy, but knowing that he couldn’t stand out on the stairs forever, he reluctantly pushed open the door, his back screaming out in pain as he did so.

“What’re you all yelling about now?”

Three faces turned to look up at him. Sirius, who’d been in a bad mood since they’d got back three days ago, scowled.

“Where’ve you been?”

“I had to… visit my mum… again.” Remus offered, hands fidgeting nervously in front of him. It was only a matter of time before they caught on.

Sirius scoffed. “I’m sure you did. It’s not like you saw her three days ago is it?”

“Well..,” he furrowed his brows, trying to think of some kind of argument.

“Whatever,” James said lightly, looking thoroughly disappointed that the attention had turned away from him. “We all know Remus visits his mum an unnecessary amount. I _believe_ we were just admiring my new cloak?”

Remus spun back to James, glad of a distraction. “Yes, what was that all about?”

“James’ been given an invisibility cloak!” Peter offered excitedly.

“A what?”

“An invisibility cloak,” James smiled smugly, wrapping the fabric around him to demonstrate as he disappeared.

“Nice.” Remus gave an appreciative nod. It was pretty cool.

“I know!” James reappeared from under the cloak. “And I’ve got some ideas for it already!”

“I swear if you mention either of the words ‘Snape’ or ‘Slytherins’ in these ideas then I’m leaving,” Remus muttered, all but collapsing on his bed.

“Hey! Why d’you doubt me so much, Remus?!”

“No idea.”

“Whatever these ideas are, I’m in.” Sirius offered, with a mischievous grin directed at James.

“That’s a given, mate.”

“Me too!” Peter piped up.

“Not you too, Pete?” Remus sighed dramatically from where he was sprawled on his bed. Unfortunately, it had become more and more common that Peter endorsed in James and Sirius’ mad ideas. Remus was starting to believe that he was the only voice of reason around here.

“You’re _all_ in. I don’t care what you’re about to say, Remus, it’s _obvious_ that you like breaking the rules just as much as us, you just won’t admit it for fear of ruining your reputation as the school’s biggest nerd and teacher’s pet!” James smirked.

“Just after Lily Evans, of course.” Sirius muttered with a sly smile.

“What?!” Remus scoffed loudly, forgetting the pain in his back for a moment in favour of sitting up and chucking a pillow each at James and Sirius. The corners of his mouth twitched upward, however.

He sort of _did_ like breaking the rules as much as they did. Not that he’d ever admit that to their faces though.

***

In the following weeks that ensued the arrival of the invisibility cloak, the four Gryffindors carried out multiple pranks and by the time April rolled around they’d developed a bit of a reputation for themselves.

“20 points from Gryffindor!” The DADA professor bellowed as the four boys ran along the fifth floor corridor.

They bundled into an awaiting broom cupboard, panting for breath.

“Pete, you got us caught!” Sirius growled, but his eyes were sparkling with laughter.

“Wasn’t his fault,” Remus jumped in to defend the other boy. “We were bound to get caught for that one anyway.” He shrugged, grinning.

“Sticking solution all over the floor of the corridor? I think it might just be our best one yet!” James smirked. “Professor Aumro’s gonna be stuck there for hours!”

“Who’s idea was that anyway?” Sirius asked, running a hand through his hair. “Bloody terrific!”

“Who do you think?” James put an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “Seriously, Remus, you’re a genius.”

“That’s only because _I_ pay attention in potions, instead of trying to find out just how far back I can lean on my chair without being sent to the hospital wing.” He directed that one at Sirius, who let out a wounded yelp.

“Speaking of,” Peter said. “We’ve got exams in two weeks!”

“Really, Pete, I hadn’t noticed.”

“Oh shut it, Remus, you spend about ninety percent of your time studying these days! We barely see you!”

“It’s called sarcasm, James,” Remus muttered, opening the broom cupboard door and poking his head round. “All clear. Anyway, it’s not my fault that neither you nor Sirius need to so much as look at a textbook to get top marks. We’re not all as remarkably talented as you two.”

“You hear that, James? We’re ‘remarkably talented’.”

“Damn right we are.” James grinned, turning onto the stairs up to the Gryffindor common room. An ominous wail from Professor Aumro followed them.

“Again, James, it’s-” He cut off at the sight of a familiar redhead making her way towards them. “Lily!”

She jumped, startled out of her thoughts. “Hello, Remus,” She smiled sweetly. Remus watched as her gaze moved over the other three boys irritably. “What are you doing wandering around at this hour?”

“Nothing.”

“What are you doing wandering around at this hour, Evans?” James jumped in before Remus could say anymore.

Lily clenched her jaw, staring stubbornly back at James. “Nothing.”

“Excellent, I guess we’ll be on our way, then.”

“Excellent.” Lily mimicked stubbornly. She walked briskly past them, shooting a final glare at James and a somewhat confused smile at Remus.

“What do you s’pose she was doing?” Peter asked once Lily had gone and the four of them were climbing through the portrait hole.

“No doubt, going to see the Slytherin creep.” James muttered. Sirius shuddered.

“Eugh.”

“Honestly, I don’t know why you despise him so much.”

“I just don’t know what Evans sees in him,” James shrugged nonchalantly, parting a small group of Gryffindors in the common room to let them through.

“Maybe that’s because you’ve never tried to have a conversation with him!”

“Neither have you!”

“Well I’m not the one who fires spells at him every other day!” Remus all but yelled, trying to keep his voice down as he shoved open the dormitory door.

James threw his hands up in the air, disbelieving. “He’s a Slytherin, Remus!” He yelled.

“And?!”

James stared at him, his face a picture of shock, and Remus stared back. It was the closest he’d come to ever having a full-blown argument with James. Remus knew it was just the way James was, with his strong, hateful views against Slytherin, and yet he didn’t understand how the other boy could be so stubbornly ignorant.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” James frowned. Sirius stood on James’ other side with his brows furrowed, too.

“It means, so _what_?! So what if Snape’s a Slytherin! That shouldn’t be a reason to hate him! What if Sirius had been sorted there - would that automatically make him the enemy as well?”

Sirius looked slightly taken aback but scoffed all the same. “But I wasn’t. Because I’m not one of them.” He said coldly.

“Exactly!” James exclaimed. “Sirius wasn’t sorted there because he’s not a prejudiced little shit!”

“Guys…” Peter tried uncertainly..

Remus stared at James, disbelieving. “Oh yes, you can certainly talk about prejudice.”

He turned and walked to the door, hoping the common room was free so that he could read a book in peace.

“Remus, come on!” James called out. “I didn’t mean to upset you!”

“I know that.” Remus muttered, before closing the door behind him and heading down into the common room. It was empty, save for two fourth years, Frank Longbottom and Alice Fortescue who were talking quietly in a corner.

“You ok, Remus?” Frank asked, looking up.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” He gave them both a reassuring smile before tugging a book off the bookshelf and settling on the sofa to read.

He knew there was no way James’ opinion would change. He was stubborn in that way - Slytherins were, and always would be, ‘bad’, and Gryffindors would always be ‘good’. It made him nervous to think about how James would react if he ever found out about Remus. Hopefully it would never come to that.

Sirius was all too similar. Though he didn’t seem to have the same harshly segregated views as James, he seemed to be veering in that direction, and noticeably, whenever James stepped up to hex a Slytherin, Sirius was always beside him.

Remus was startled from his thoughts when someone sat down on the sofa beside him. He glanced up to see Peter.

“Oh, hey, Pete.”

“He says he’s sorry, by the way,” Peter offered, glancing up at Remus with a searching look.

“I know he is.”

“What are you doing down here then?”

“Thinking.”

There was a long pause and for a moment Remus thought Peter was going to leave but then he shifted, pulling his legs up onto the sofa and hugging them to himself.

“He’s just as bad as they are.” Peter muttered quietly.

Remus glanced up from his book. Peter was right, of course. “In what way?”

“Well you’ve heard the Slytherins haven’t you? The way they talk about blood purity and everything, James is just as bad except it’s not about purebloods and muggleborns for him, it’s about Gryffindors and Slytherins. Sirius is the same.”

Remus stared at Pete, a look of incredulity on his face. “And yet I’m the only one who ever says anything.” Remus said, the annoyance barely concealed in his tone. “You didn’t even back me up just then!”

The smaller boy blinked, shrinking in on himself slightly as he stared into the dying embers of the fire. “Sorry,” Peter mumbled, “It’s just-- They’re- Y’know-”

Remus knew what the other boy was getting at. Now that James and Sirius were popular among the first years, it was so easy to just to follow in their shadows. Even easier for Peter, who seemed so easily influenced.

“Right.” Remus muttered. “Right.”

“I’m sorry, Remus,” Peter said, “It’s just- before Hogwarts I never had all that many friends… Not many people liked me because I was just the stupid, fat kid who had no friends. But that’s different now, right? I _have_ friends. And- And I don’t want to lose that. You know what I mean?”

Remus stared at the book on his lap. Of _course_ he knew what Pete meant. Except he hadn’t even been given the chance - he’d been kept away from other children as much as possible. But now he had friends too. And Pete was right, because he couldn’t lose them.

“Yeah,” He murmured quietly, “Yeah, I know what you mean, Pete.”


End file.
